thoughts of a newly-made mother

So, awful summer heat is finally over, Ann sleeps a lot and I have some time to clean my teeth, to stay in shower for longer than 2 minutes and write a post here. I wish I could summarize that month and a half since I gave birth to my daughter.

As for the first 3 weeks, they were really hard for me. I was rather weak and could mostly stay in bed. Sitting was totally forbidden, and standing was quite painful. I lost almost 20 kilos, as I kept to a really strong diet for a nursing mother in order not to hurt Ann's bowel's. Now I can't remember anything except constant lack of sleep and irritating pain.

During that time I kept asking myself: is that my baby? Did I give birth to her? My brain refused and still refuses to accept this fact. It seems to me that Ann was brought to me by a stork =)) Maybe you, mothers, will understand, what I'm talking about =) And for all that time I was searching for that feeling of super love for my own child in me. And couldn't find it. I don't know what it was - postnatal depression or whatever.. But it really scared me, cause I saw nothing but a nice baby in front of me. You know, I thought I was crazy or a bad bad mother. And the feeling of actually being a mother just refused to settle down in my head.

Gradually and fortunately, things changed. I felt better and better every day and my mind got clearer and clearer. The feeling, that I was looking for, finally came. Every single day, it grew stronger and stronger. I kept watching Ann, I saw her grow and change every day. I saw that she needs me, my hands, my warmth, my milk. I stopped breaking into fury when she went on crying and I didn't know why. Step by step, I began to understand her language, she spoke to me. I realized that it's my baby, my daughter, only mine. I love her from the bottom of my heart. I was so much afraid that I'd never know this feeling: love for your child. That's it.